understand who you really are
A child, a parent, a spouse, a helper, a student, an overachiever, a caregiver, an avoider. What is one thing that all of these things have in common? They are parts of a person.
Many times when we are asked about who we are - some of these words or “titles“ come to mind, but it’s important to take it a step further of exploring our inner world so we can truly love and understand ourselves and our needs.
Learning about your inner self will bring more confidence and clarity in your relationships and will also help you learn how to regulate yourself when you become reactive in situations.
Let’s learn about these 3 common parts to help you gain compassion for yourself, empathy, and ways to address the difficulties of staying emotionally regulated and in the present.
-Exile Parts: These parts are feelings, thoughts, memories that have experienced difficulties or trauma in the past. Usually these parts are stuck in the past and are “exiled” from the person’s present day life so they can avoid those unwanted negative feelings thoughts and memories. Example: The feeling of being out of control is an awful feeling due to my past experience as a child where I did not have a say in a situation that impacted my life.
-Manager Parts: These parts run our day to day life and try to keep those exile parts exiled. Example: In order to not feel out of control, I find myself making many plans throughout the day so I know what to expect and will also make plan B, C, D, E, and F so I am never unprepared and know how to control a situation.
-Firefighter Parts: These parts are used when exile parts are activated. These parts are usually impulsive strategies that give immediate relief because it is too much to fully experience the exile part being activated. Example: When I am in a situation where I truly feel out of control and none of my plans will help me, I might engage in an impulsive behavior such as rage so I can express/get out the exile part as fast as I can because it is so uncomfortable and scary.
I want to encourage you to normalize the behaviors you engage in and recognize what parts are being used throughout your day and what are you truly trying to avoid.
Another way to look at this is - I want to give myself empathy and understanding for why I might react the way I do and engage in certain behaviors, and I want to start addressing how to navigate these parts in a healthier way.
In order for change to occur, one first needs to notice and recognize where the behavior needing change is originating from.
Sources: “Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model” by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.
